Emotional Wellbeing For New and Expectant Dads
Introduction
A lot of emphasis is often placed on maternal mental health, but sadly, husbands and partners are frequently overlooked when it comes to information and support. This can negatively impact the mental health of new and expectant dads.
While postnatal depression is more commonly associated with new mothers, it can also be a significant issue for men. In fact, about 1 in 10 new dads are believed to experience mental health challenges during the perinatal period, which spans from conception until the baby’s first birthday. First-time dads and younger fathers are particularly vulnerable.
Becoming a dad can evoke a wide range of emotions—everything from overwhelming joy to sheer fear and everything in between. As a new dad, you may find yourself adjusting to new routines and responsibilities while managing a lack of sleep and supporting your partner. Often, new fathers become so focused on caring for their newborn and assisting their partner’s recovery that their own mental health may decline, sometimes without their noticing.
Though there can be many moments of excitement, fun, and joy with your new baby, it’s important to recognize that becoming a parent can also be quite exhausting. As with any major life change, be prepared for a new baby to impact your mental well-being.
Some fathers may experience changes in their mental health upon becoming a parent because they feel a significant responsibility to provide for both their partner and their new baby. This sense of duty can feel overwhelming, especially if combined with the pressure to appear strong and happy.
Men often struggle with the transition to fatherhood not only due to a lack of information and emotional support tailored to their needs but also because they are less likely to seek help or even acknowledge their need for it.
Fathers experiencing mental health issues may struggle to care for and bond with their babies. This can negatively impact a child's overall development and have lasting, detrimental effects on the fathers themselves. We need to start discussing paternal mental health more openly and advocate for expectant fathers to receive perinatal mental health support, ensuring that all babies and families receive a fair start in life.
It’s crucial to understand that expressing your feelings or concerns as a new or expectant father is beneficial for your mental well-being and can enhance communication with your partner. It is entirely normal to feel worried or anxious, even after discussing your fears openly.
The stages of pregnancy, labour, and the newborn phase are emotionally demanding for everyone involved. Therefore, it’s essential to take care of yourself, too. When dads receive support, families thrive. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available for you to access support.
Signs
We all have days when we feel a bit down. However, postnatal depression is more intense and lasts longer. If you are experiencing this, you are likely to feel low most of the time and may not find enjoyment in activities that you once loved.
If you are struggling with low mental health during or after a pregnancy, you might experience some of the following symptoms.
Anxiety
Everyone experiences feelings of anxiety at some point in their life. You may feel worried, anxious or nervous about becoming a dad, supporting your partner through labour or providing for your family, for example. These concerns are completely normal and extremely common but, in some cases, they can become difficult to control. Feelings of anxiety are more constant and can often affect daily life and the ability to function as you normally would. Feelings of anxiety can present as a lump in your tummy or feelings of nausea, irritability and exhaustion. When a new child joins your household, this can often heighten feelings of anxiety with new dads worrying about their financial security and being able to see to the needs of their new child and partner. Worries about not being good enough or not knowing how to support your partner or access the information needed. This can leave you feeling tired, stressed and overwhelmed.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often arises after a traumatic experience, and it can bring about profound changes in your mental well-being. If you or someone you know is struggling with PTSD, it’s important to understand that the symptoms can manifest in various ways and may change over time. Generally, they fall into four main categories: intrusive memories that resurface unexpectedly, negative shifts in mood and thinking, a tendency to avoid reminders of the trauma, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. It's worth noting that experiences such as a difficult pregnancy, labour, birth, or the postnatal period can be particularly challenging and might trigger these symptoms. Remember, you are not alone in this, and support is available to help navigate through the healing process.
Low mood and depression
Many men struggle to recognise when they are dealing with depression. It may present itself through feelings of tiredness, weight loss, or overwhelming anger, which can be difficult to acknowledge. It’s understandable that, in such situations, some men might delay seeking help, feeling isolated or unsure about how to take the next step. Some might even turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking or gambling, which can create additional challenges.
Moreover, becoming a new father can be overwhelming, with much attention directed toward the mother and baby. This can leave many dads feeling sidelined or disconnected, which is completely valid. It's okay to feel unsure about bonding or your role during this time. Remember, your feelings are important, and there is support available for you as well.
Please remember that depression is a serious condition that often doesn’t improve on its own. It’s just as important to address mental health as it is to treat physical issues. If you’re feeling this way, I encourage you to reach out to your GP for support. You deserve help, and there is no judgment in seeking it.
Negative Changes to Thoughts and Mood
This may include:
- Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
- Difficulty maintaining close relationships and feeling detached from family and friends
- A lack of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
- Trouble concentrating
- Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
- Feeling emotionally numb.
- Persistent sadness or a sense of emptiness
- Often feeling irritable or angry or having bursts of aggressive behaviour
- Feeling guilty, ashamed or hopeless
- Thinking that you’re not a good enough parent.
- Trouble sleeping, extreme fatigue or energy loss
If you experience any of these symptoms or are struggling to cope, seek help as soon as possible and talk to a trusted family member, friend, or your GP. You are not alone.
Causes
There isn't always a clear reason why someone develops postnatal depression. However, becoming a dad is a significant life change, and many new fathers often feel unprepared for the exhaustion and new responsibilities that come with a newborn.
Many new dads may hesitate to seek help because they feel they "aren't supposed to find parenthood difficult" and believe they "should be able to cope."
There are some common risk factors associated with fathers’ mental health struggles that can cause postnatal depression or emotional distress during this time. These include:
- Having a history of mental health problems, including previous depression
- Having a partner with a history of depression or currently suffering from post-natal or perinatal depression: You become the main emotional and physical support for your partner, and many men feel that this means they are not allowed to acknowledge their own struggles.
- A lack of support or feeling left out and unvalued, including by healthcare staff: A lot of the attention during the arrival of a new baby is on the mother and the infant, which can leave fathers feeling overlooked. Despite being present throughout the journey and facing many of the same emotional challenges, they may experience feelings of isolation or being dismissed.
- Relationship problems: Both you and your partner may feel tired and stressed. The arrival of a new child who is completely dependent on you can shift the dynamics of your relationship in unexpected ways.
- Life stresses: Financial and practical pressures often arise when adjusting to family life, including challenges related to unemployment and concerns about money, such as issues stemming from paternity and maternity pay.
- Witnessing birth trauma: Witnessing a traumatic birth, where either the mother, child, or both were in danger of losing their lives, can have a profound impact. It’s completely understandable that the emotional effects linger long after the immediate danger has passed. Healing from such an experience takes time and support, and it's important to acknowledge the complexities of those feelings.
- Sleep deprivation: Caring for a newborn can be incredibly challenging, especially when you're not getting enough sleep. The exhaustion that comes with a new baby is something you can never fully prepare for. Late-night feedings and constant crying can make it nearly impossible to rest, leading to irritability and fatigue. This lack of sleep often results in feelings of hopelessness or desperation, leaving many new parents feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
- Infertility issues/trouble conceiving: Such issues can create a significant amount of stress during the journey to pregnancy. While you may expect to feel relief once you achieve pregnancy, it’s important to acknowledge that the stress, hope, and feelings of loss you experienced earlier do not simply disappear.
- Alcohol/drug misuse: Alcohol and drug misuse can be especially tempting during stressful times, particularly if you have a history of such issues. However, it's important to remember that turning to these substances will not improve your situation; in fact, it will almost certainly make things worse.
- Confusion over your identity or new role within the family unit: Many men feel pressured to adopt the identity of provider or protector due to societal expectations and the views of their in-laws. However, they often struggle when they do not instinctively know how to fulfill these roles. Additionally, some men may feel that a more nurturing role suits them better, which can conflict with traditional masculine ideals of fatherhood.
- Worries about bonding or connecting with your child: Some men may feel excluded from the mother-child relationship, particularly starting during pregnancy. They often perceive themselves as bystanders due to their partners' unique physical experiences, which can undermine their confidence in their ability to parent.
Advice
Many fathers struggle with mental health issues, yet often feel they cannot reach out for help. It's completely understandable to feel this way, but it's important to know that you are not alone and that there is support available. Acknowledging your feelings is a courageous first step, demonstrating strength rather than weakness. Seeking help early can make a meaningful difference for you and your family. If you or someone you care about is facing these challenges, please consider talking to a GP or midwife. You deserve support and care.
It is always recommended to reach out when you are struggling. However, there are many things you can do to help prevent feelings of overwhelm or a decline in your mental state.
Tips for looking after your mental health as a new dad
- Take care of your physical wellbeing: Staying physically active is important, so find ways to incorporate exercise into your routine, whether that's working out at home or taking walks with your baby for fresh air. Eating healthy can positively impact your mood. Even if you're short on time, keep nutritious snacks handy. Batch cooking meals can help you stay prepared. Prioritising sleep is essential, as lack of rest can affect how you feel. If you share parenting duties with a partner, consider doing “shifts” or giving each other a night off; even short naps can help when nights are tough. We understand that self-care can be challenging at this time, it's vital for your well-being. When you take care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to care for your little one.
- Ease up on yourself: New dads often put a lot of pressure on themselves. They feel as though they need to learn an entirely new skill set to navigate parenthood, while it is expected that moms will acquire this knowledge instinctively. In reality, parenting does not come easily to anyone. No one is a perfect parent right from the start. Mistakes will be made, and all we can do is try to learn from them and put our best foot forward in the future. Don’t limit yourself by thinking that your role has to be one thing or another. Feel free to listen to advice but trust your instincts and have faith in your own judgment. Try not to worry too much about whether you’re doing things ‘right’. The most important thing your baby needs is your love and attention.
- Try not to isolate yourself: As a father, your priorities and responsibilities may change. However, it's important to stay connected with friends and family, even if you can't do so as often as before. Engaging with other new dads can be particularly helpful; it not only keeps you in touch with others but also provides a valuable source of advice and support from those experiencing similar situations.
- Talk about how you feel: Open up to someone you trust, whether it's your partner, a friend, or a professional. If you are feeling persistently low, don’t hesitate to share your feelings. It doesn’t matter who you talk to, as long as that person is someone you trust and who will listen. While we know it can be difficult to open up, it doesn’t have to be a lengthy conversation or a formal request for help. It could be as simple as having a brief chat or expressing what you’re feeling in the moment.
- Communicate with your partner: Good communication with your partner is vital for feeling calm and confident in parenting, especially in the early stages. Share responsibilities like night feeds and plan ahead, while ensuring both of you get enough rest. Talk openly about your needs and challenges, and actively listen to each other. Even though you may trust and feel comfortable with your partner, it’s important not to assume their needs without asking. Guessing can lead to misunderstandings and worries about your ability to support each other and be good parents.
- Do things that help you feel balanced: It may seem like an impossible task when there’s hardly any time to take a breather, but it’s crucial to engage in activities that you enjoy and that bring you a sense of calm. Reflect on what helped you unwind and relax before the baby arrived, and see if you and your partner can find ways to incorporate those activities into your new life together.
- Be aware of your mood: Many new dads feel sadness at times, but if it lasts too long, it may indicate depression. Anxiety about being a good father or adjusting to a newborn is normal, but it's important not to let these feelings overwhelm you. Monitor your emotions and look out for persistent worries. Reflect on particularly tough days and identify their triggers—were you tired or stressed? Consider ways to manage these situations better. Your mental health is crucial not only for you but also for your partner, baby, and family.
- Remember that things will get easier: As a new dad, it's common to miss your life before parenthood, especially in the early stages. While there are many joyful moments with your new child, the chaos and the adjustments to both your and your partner’s lifestyles can be overwhelming. It's essential to remember that these challenges are temporary. Ultimately, you will return to a sense of "normalcy," which may include better sleep, quieter moments with your partner, and more opportunities to spend time with friends and family. With time and experience, you'll become more adept at navigating the hurdles of parenthood.
- Seek help when you need it: Admitting that we need help can be difficult, especially when it feels like everything is out of control. Many new dads feel pressured to act as if everything is fine, believing they should be coping better than they are. These feelings are natural, and most new fathers experience them. It's important to understand that there is no shame in struggling; in fact, many people do. Acknowledging that you have a problem is not a sign of failure. It's crucial to reach out for help when things become overwhelming. By asking for support, you are taking a proactive step to ensure you are mentally well enough to care for your baby and support your partner. Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it's essential.
Useful Services and Websites
If you are struggling, consider speaking to your GP or midwife. They can offer advice and guide you to the appropriate services. Additionally, you can check your local council's website, as many local authorities provide information on both local and national mental health services. Alternatively, you may want to check out one of the services below
NHS talking therapies
If you live in England, are aged 18 or over, and are registered with a GP, NHS Talking Therapies can be an excellent resource for new dads. Services are available in person, via video, over the phone, or as an online course, allowing you to fit them into your schedule.
NHS Talking Therapies offer psychological treatments such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), counselling, and guided self-help for issues like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other common mental health concerns.
You can either be referred by your GP or refer yourself directly without needing a referral. For more information or to refer yourself, please follow the link below.
Don’t have access to the internet?
That’s fine, you can also self-refer via phone, where referral advisors will take a few details from you before booking you in for a triage telephone appointment.
What can I expect from talking therapies?
- An initial 30 minute triage call within a few weeks to talk about what you’re struggling with and to discuss what kind of support may help you.
- A non-judgemental approach and an open mind.
- The ability to bring your baby to appointments.
- Prioritisation for therapy up until your baby has their 2nd birthday.
For urgent mental health support:
Specialised Resources:
General Mental Health Resources:
- Mind: Men’s Mental Health - information and support tailored to men.
- Movember UK - campaigns and resources focused on men’s mental wellbeing.
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – free, confidential helpline and webchat for men (open 5pm–midnight every day). Call 0800 58 58 58.
- Andy’s Man Club – peer-to-peer support groups for men, running across the UK every Monday evening.
- Men’s Sheds Association – community spaces for men to connect, talk, and support each other.
- Brooks Men’s Wellbeing – resources around men’s health and wellbeing (sexual health, relationships, mental health).
- Men’s Health Forum – UK charity providing information and resources on men’s health, including mental wellbeing.
- Mentell – Provides safe, confidential spaces for men to talk, free from judgment. Offers both online and face-to-face group sessions.
- Directions for Men – Runs support groups across the North West of England, helping men talk through challenges and improve wellbeing.
- Hub of Hope – A UK-wide mental health support database, run by Chasing the Stigma. You can enter your postcode to find local services, from crisis support to community groups.
For more mental health support and advice for men you may like to visit the below area of our website.
Or
For a range of valuable information to keep you involved and informed throughout every step of pregnancy and into childhood please check out the Maternity & Parenthood section of our website below.